It’s disorientating by design. The relentless tumult of tragedy, inanity and insanity in our news feeds. A torrent of bad news, horrific images, fighting in the comments, and fighting on the hustings. Tactless politicians, free of the shackles of principles or integrity, demonstrating the very worst of public policy, debate and partisan brinkmanship. The global order is being thrown into turmoil, economically, and ethically. It’s being pulled apart in theory and in practice.
Not because of the actions of the many, but because of the actions of very few. A hand grenade thrown into the henhouse, by people who will not be around for long enough to see the entire, generational mess that remains. A symptom of gross inequality, an imbalance of power and influence that can feel insurmountable.
It’s demoralising, depressing, frustrating, upsetting, disappointing. A breach of the trust that we were told to have in a positive future for all, one where we work hard, show up, and find our place. A world of never-ending improvement, bountiful plenty, and constant forward motion. A world of impossibility, perhaps, but we were given the promise of technology that will ensure that the improbable becomes reality, and we dutifully carried on - learning, working, committing to the way things are, believing we’ll have our turn soon enough.
Distraction is the point. We are meant to be so caught up in the daily, hourly horrors that we forget to come back to the principles that make humans, human. We are meant to feel so despondent, so distrustful, so powerless, that we forget about community.
I wanted to take some time to step back from the feed.
I wanted to step back to get back to the beginning. The foundational truths. The most important and impactful parts of our lives.
I wanted to take the time to shine a light on the things that matter. To gather our thoughts, to reorient ourselves among the noise and tragedy, and come together, ready to press forward with brooms, and ideas, and action, and humanity and kindness. To clean up the mess - to help the people and places that have been rent asunder by policies, policing, projectiles, politicians, and precipitation.
So, I started this substack, and I started writing again. I will write about things that intrinsically matter, the foundational parts of positive movement. There is no way to cover everything in one go, so we will take it a step or a thought at a time. I’m aiming for important reminders, as we dip in and out from the moment in front of us, to the universal. Trying to balance overarching vision, with daily tactics.
The point of stepping back, is not to step away. It is to have a breath, to recompose, to find the others, to bolster and support, to lean into community, and together - move forward. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
So, we step back from the noise, wipe our tired eyes, and look to the left and right. We look to our friends.
From the beginning, you needed people to support you. There is no point in your life where you don’t need people. No point where others aren’t part of your story. You need people when you’re born, you need them when you grow older, and you’ll need them right up to the moment you die.
We can’t choose our families. We have no say over who is around us when we are born, for better or worse, they have plenty of say over you - and those formative years will have an indelible, undeniable impact on you. Then, you get older, you get some agency, you develop your personality in response to your environment and volition, and you begin to choose.
It’s the choosing I want to talk about today. Who we choose, how we choose, what it means to choose and be chosen by friends.
Friendship, a complex, wonderful, magical, painful, soul-filling, heart-breaking, enriching, enlightening, necessary and powerful force. We don’t talk enough about it, in my opinion.
We have countless articles about families. A million shows about romance, and romantic love. There are marriage counsellors, MAFS, celebrity divorces, and plenty of other podcasts/movies/books about romantic relationships. Not enough about friends.
Friendship is a special place to keep someone. A good friend has your best interests at heart, but friends don’t always put you first. Good friends act in good faith, but a friend can change their tune and move away from you. Best friend, to friend, to acquaintance, to former friend, to a person-I-used-to know.
Friends can slowly drift away, or bolt.
Friends can gently float apart or be blown apart explosively.
Friends give each other the benefit of the doubt. Friends pick each other up.
Friends understand that the seasons of friendship, and of life, change. Sometimes you’re needed daily, sometimes you’re not. Sometimes you have the capacity to show up daily, sometimes you don’t. The best friends understand all of this.
The best friends remind you of the best that you are, because they see it when you don’t. They’ve seen you at your best and at your worst, and they know that one is who you are, while the other is what you are being at the moment.
Friends hold space for disagreeing. For good-faith discussions, for challenging ideas, for holding accountable. Not for lecturing, hectoring or pontificating, but for gentle reminders, for guidance, for support. A great friend can act as a proxy for your own north star, not by imposing their own principles on you, but for reminding you of your own.
Good friends can break your heart. They can leave you devasted, and betrayed. It is because of the love, and trust that you had in them, that they are able to do it - and it is as devastating as any break-up or death. I have been dealt some rough hands from people close to me, and people who weren’t - I can confirm that the cuts from those closest to you, cut the deepest.
Friendship is a space with soft edges. Friendship wants to find common ground, to find more reasons to be around. Friends aren’t looking for reasons to cut other friends loose. They give the benefit of the doubt. They show up.
There are so many ways to be a good friend. So many versions of friendship. You are a different version of a friend, to different people, and at different times in your life. We show up differently because of the push and pull of understanding, energy, need and timing. Different moments and different people need different things, and we learn about the complexities, flaws and beauty of others through the different ways in which we show up ourselves over time. Being a friend involves joy and inconvenience. There is no friendship that does not occasionally demand more than we feel like giving. It’s how we learn to put our own stubborn first preferences to the side from time to time, to show up for someone who needs that from us.
Tribes are different. Tribes survive in contrast to the ‘other’. In a tribe, there are those that are ‘in’ and those that are ‘out’. Tribeship* can feel a bit like friendship, but it lacks the softness and space that real friendships have. Tribes don’t keep space for part-timers. They demand fealty, allegiance, loyalty. Tribes have a rigid set of rules and expectations, that must be met in order to remain a member. Tribes want you to make public declarations both for, and against. A tribe is binary, black and white, lacking nuance.
Tribeship can be found in a variety of places.
Friends can go for different football teams, they rib each other when it’s appropriate, they support each other when necessary. They love each other in spite of the differences, and in some cases, because of the differences.
Tribes are the football cheer squad. They do not suffer different team allegiances. They are either/or. You cannot be in two football cheer squads.
It can be intoxicating to be in a tribe. A tribeship can feel like real belonging, but it is also limiting in ways that are detrimental. All of us will err at times, all of us will have lulls in intensity, energy, interest. We may need to step back, to rest from time to time. There is no rest from a tribeship - you’re either in or you’re out. There is no safe space to take it down a notch. If you step down too many notches, you are no longer part of this tribeship, you need to find another - less committed version and be all-in there.
Tribes do have some benefits. They provide a sense of certainty and belonging. Being alone is fatal to humans. We have a visceral, evolutionary response to isolation. A tribe is an antidote to that. Isolation is death, a tribe can provide the necessary network, insurance against being alone.
The worst place that we can put someone is not in high-security prison, among violent criminals, some with no hope of getting out, and so, no reason to behave well. A terrifying prospect for many of us, but not the worst/most severe punishment. The worst place we can put someone is in solitary confinement. Away from everyone.
A tribe is preferable to isolation, and yet a tribe comes with some downsides. The rigidity of a tribe can be a strength and a weakness.
When the world gets confusing and uncertain, we may fall for the trick of tribes, the trick of certainty-equalling-control. We gain confidence from being certain that we’re right. Certain that our group is the correct group, the correct place, the correct opinions, the correct intensity. That by being correct, we have some control about the world around us. We surround ourselves with like-minded people and define ourselves through that affiliation.
Tribes leave little room for revelation. They leave little room for uncertainty, for questions, for growth or for curiosity. They incentivise the silencing of questions.
Tribes picket on opposite sides of the road and scream at each other. Each tribe confident that they are correct. Secure in their own affiliations. I have never seen someone walk across a footpath, between pickets, and say ‘oh you are so right, I was wrong, I’d like to join the other side of this picketted screaming match’. Tribal conflicts don’t allow such behaviour.
I have, however, seen what happens when friendship is the catalyst for change. African-American musician Daryl Davis convinced 200 members of the KKK to give up their robes - through friendship. The KKK is one of the most rigid versions of a tribe that I can think of, and I would bet that not one of them has derobed because of someone screaming at their face in protest of their views.
Friendship can be different. We find affiliation with different-minded people, who like each other. We learn to lean into the best parts of others, because we see them, as we see their faults. They lean into our best parts, in spite of our own faults. Friends allow for questions, they support growth, encourage curiosity.
It may feel like the tribe is the correct platform from which to re-enter the fray of improving the world. It can feel as though we are all gathered, together, united, and ready to press forward…
The world doesn’t need more tribes though.
We don’t need more hard edges. We don’t need more dogmatic adherence to arbitrary rules. We don’t need more us vs them. We don’t need more othering.
We need more friends. More people who disagree. More people who see the best in one another despite the moment, despite the daily trespasses. We need more people who have aspirations for us, belief in our capacity to contribute, understand, be open, kind, and understanding. We need more friends, who have patience. They can have the patience, because they know what you’re capable of, because they care enough to wait. We need more curiosity. More generosity.
In a complex world, where the notions of right and wrong can be a challenge to unpick sometimes, we don’t need more pitched battles, we need discussions, compromise and good-faith negotiations.
I am fortunate, to have some friends. Friends who hold their reprobrations as I explore intrusive thoughts with them, working through things that are taboo, or controversial. Friends who share their insecurities, fears and their own intrusive thoughts. Friends who make mistakes and who forgive me for mine. I have found purpose in trying to be good friend, during difficult times when it felt like there were few other avenues for positive affirmation. I have been encouraged, supported and loved through my most difficult times. Friends with whom I vehemently disagree. Friends who make mistakes. Friends who do stupid, stupid things (in my estimation). Friends who make bad jokes, and drop the ball on important things (again, in my estimation). Friends who listen to my rantings, ravings, ragings and frustrations, just to get them off my chest, so that I can face the world in the calm and measured way that I would like to.
Don’t get me wrong. The rewards of friendship are immense, but the risks are commensurate with that reward. Heartbreak and disappointment are part of the deal, as is forgiveness. Learning to not be the center of the universe. Learning to see things from another perspective. Learning that not everyone will act the way you think you would have acted in a circumstance, and learning to be honest with yourself about potentially holding others to a standard you don’t actually hold yourself to.
There are people who act in bad faith. There are bad actors.
There are rigid tribes of people, who have found a sense of belonging in a way that demands the exclusion of others.
There are people who ask for behaviours that they do not demonstrate themselves.
And there are the true friends. The people who find ways to love and be generous. The people who find another spot at the table, who make another plate, who listen generously, disagree graciously, and advocate fiercely for the best in people.
The friends buoy us up and help us find a way through. Friends find ways to create more friends. Tribes force us to close ranks, group up and butt heads.
If you look to your closest relationships and find only Tribeships, try for some more friendships. If your relationship with someone, demands the ‘othering’ of someone else, maybe have a think about ways to soften those edges.
I implore everyone to find more ways to connect with others. Find more ways to see them in a positive light, more ways to keep a conversation in which you disagree - going. Find more people to lean on, to confess your own intrusive thoughts, frustrations and fears. Find people who are less certain and explore the uncertainty together. Find people who feel safe, even if they don’t feel exactly the same as you. Find people who you can make mistakes around, and with.
Step back. Grab your friends, create more friendships, and we can step forward again. We are going to need them, no matter what happens.
Demonstrate friendship in the face of tribeship and hopefully, by example, we will win a few people back to the enviable qualities of patience, kindness, empathy, curiosity, understanding, integrity and good-will.
*Tribeship is not a real word, insofar as it doesn’t exist outside of this article. I use it to refer to the relationship that one has, not with someone who is a friend, or a lover, but someone who is in the same ‘tribe’ you identify with.